I feel kinda strange today. I fasted yesterday and had pizza after, ugh. Eating disgusts me so much. I wish my ex could understand. But he thinks that by me saying I don't want to have an ED that it would be easy to just stop. He thinks that it's that I don't want to, that I like it or something. I wish it was simple to say ok, I'll have everything be normal.
What the hell is "normal"?
I don't even remember anymore. Everything that passes my lips right now makes me feel bloated, stuffed, disgusted and guilty.
So guilty.
I got him mad at breakfast, because I was calorie counting and didn't want to eat,like pancakes. He was like "eat them, have 3, put syrup and butter on them too."
I literally cried because I didn't want so much. I ended up eating about 200 cals worth of pancakes.
I feel so heavy after the vacation of eating for my family, they think I'm preggers or something.
Class is stressing me.
My family is stressing me.
Food is stressing me.
The fact that me and him aren't together is stressing me.
I feel like my ED really isn't helping me get him back either.
I want to be perfect because the other girl
(Who is 18 btw @ Erin Rose >.<)
she seems perfect.
Maybe not perfect, but better, cause all she has to do is miss him. He said after coming back she missed him so much. And that no one has ever missed him like that.
I miss much more than she does.
I miss him when he just left.
I miss him when he's standing right beside me.
That may be missing being together. But I also just miss his presense.
I don't know I feel like I can never compare.
ugh don't mind me, I guess I'm just depressed because of my weight (which is unknown to me right now, since I stayed over my ex's house again).
The only good things is I get to spend all day with him and we're going to watch the tree lighting in the city.
Also that no one knows I stayed over.
*evil smile*
Not even his GF, which makes me horrible to be happy about it, but I can't help it.
I'll be better and I'll try not to eat much tommorrow, but I forsee us eating today again since we are also hanging out with two of my friends who have been hinting that they think I have an ED. I've gottan very thin infront of their eyes I guess, but I feel freaking huge right now. I'm back to drinking my 8 cups of water a day, so maybe that will help flush out the fat, and food and extra water.
Since your body holds onto more water if you aren't getting enough.
I don´t know what normal is either...
ReplyDeleteTry to enjoy the time with your ex, then you can worry about weight and the other things.
Have a great time sweetie!
I know exactly how you feel...
ReplyDeleteI came home one day and told my boyfriend about how I ate a bagel, which then made me panic, ate three more and purged. He goes "It was just a bagel". And I go "it's not JUST a bagel to me". He doesn't get it. He, like your ex, thinks this is just something I can switch into off mode like a god damn light switch. I said "Honey, if it was that simple. Why the hell are there women that die from eating disorders? Why are there therapies for this? This isn't simple, this is complex".
:( my little brother would always tell my mom "just take her out for pizza with us and MAKE her eat. tie her down or something" and thats not how it works. am i binging?? restricting?? what the hell is normal!!??
ReplyDeleteanyway, i think you should write your ex a letter. a sweet old fashioned letter and put it in his mailbox or on his pillow or something and let him know how much he means to you, how much you miss him, how you think of him when he isnt there.
maybe he will even write back <3
lovesssss
Just concentrate on being with your ex, be happy because you do deserve it! Your beautiful, intelligent and funny :') He would be crazy not to be with you again! Keep postive, and the good things will come xx
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