Missed you guys

Haven't posted in a while.

This is similar to what my brain looks like during my absence.

..Ya haven't missed much...

I've only lost about .5lbs that I know of. 

I had gone up to 102.7 and then lost 3.5lbs in a week.

I'd be happy if it stayed at the pace.

I'm at Z's place and when I left I was 99.4lbs, so I don't know how much I weigh at the moment.

A lot has happened. 

I got my period...

Not really happy about that.

My mother called me and wanted to talk to me again. I haven't had a real conversation with her for a while.

I have to call her back but I'm scared and reluctant. I don't feel like getting more stressed than I already am.

I joined planet fitness. I have been going every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Though this week I am also going Thursday too.

I also make sure to get in a  small work out at home the other days. So I pretty much work out 5-7 days a week.

I never get to work out while I'm at Z's but its relaxing here. At home there really isn't much else to do.

I've also realized I never seem to eat in my house, I'll just B/P there and end up not eating for days at a time. Before I had gone to Z's house I hadn't eaten for 3 days.

Eating is sickening to me most of time, because I know I'm gaining, and I hate being in the 90's- 100's.

I'm sorry I've been flaky with this blog, missed my readers though.

I'll catch up on your blog posts as well.

<3

Running in circles

I haven't written anything in a while, I've been with Z a lot. I've been eating a lot. All that has to change.

 

Weight : 102.7

Days B/P free: 8

I've got a head cold and I'm back home. I beasted out over several hours on fiber full foods and chocolate, but no purging. I had over 65 grams of fiber. Bloated didn't cover it.

My mom contacted me via facebook, and tried calling my dad. I don't know how to feel about that. All I know is I hate being in the 100's right now. I'm too sick to do much, luckily I have 0 appetite as I expected, which is good and bad. It means I got sicker through out the night.

A ton of drama happened. I'll give the cliff notes version. S texted Z while he was staying over my house. She was like I need to talk to you about something, come see me tomorrow. I said if its not that important just have her text you it or call her IDGAF (its better than going over there) she tells him that some guy has been trying to get with her and talking shit about Z. He was furious cause he knows the guys and doesn't like to disrespected. 

I was furious because I don't like when people talk trash about the ones I care about. But it was so stupid, such high school drama crap in college. Z was pissed and we went to go confront the issue the next day. Apperntly S just stoof there taking all the trash he was talking about and said nothing. I was aggravated as hell.

We go confront the guy and he backs off after lying a bit and also we find out, S had given so missinformation. She said he was telling her to give Z a deadline on picking who he wants to be with (me or her) when it was actually that he wanted a deadline for whether or not she wanted to get with him. That was the main thing that got Z so mad. Infact had she told him on the spot that day instead of the night before, he would have beat the crap out of that guy, gone to jail or got hurt, all over BS.

I talked...er yelled at her then talked with her. 

Told her to grow some ball (no lie, I'm not paraphrasing) and tell people off. Had it been me I would have punched that guy in the face had he told me something like that about Z. She stood there and took it as well. I told her I didn't hate her, but what she did was stupid and I was pissed off. That she need to stick up for herself with men.

She didn't even know the guy talking trash, they weren't friends or anything...

IDK, it upset me. I was very upset that when S and Z talked they kissed as well (as far as I know it was just a goodbye kiss.) She jealous of me, she wants to wait for him. He still doesn't know what he wants, cause he can't be with me while having feelings for her. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what else I can do.

Challenge Day 9

My pet peeves

-People who spit in the street

-Crying alone

-People who will run you down for a seat on the bus or train

-Nosy people

-Being talked about like you aren't in the room

-wearing socks and sandels

-Those multi-neon-colored sneakers

-When people talk about things they know nothing about

No more liars

A little change from my challenge...I'll still continue with it but atm I'm not very motivated. 

Atm I'm a huge mess underneath this mask of calm.

I'm switching scales. I'm getting rid of the liar.

I'm not 94lbs (as my old scale said I went up to today.)

No I'm at a 

Weight: 101.2lbs

So my stats are being changed.

For months and months I have been deceived. I had to scales saying I was at my lowest 86lbs and two that were saying 7lbs more, but as of recently I consulted another and it was saying 7lbs more as well. I give up.

I'm fat, I'm huge, I cave. I'll admit it to myself damn it.

I look at my body and I'm a bloated mess. I ate way more than 100% worth of fiber today. Close to 200%, so my intestines are doing backflips.

Here are my scales, the old 7$ one at the top even has foot marks on it from constant use. You get what you pay for. This new scale is acurate. I have to face it.

I have to trust weight Watchers. 

Cost about 30$.

I just realized I posted challenge day 6 twice lol. I'm up to 8 now.

Challenge Day 8

 3 things I want to say to different people....

To my readers: Love you guys...you keep me sane as I am falling to peieces.

To Z: I love you damn it! What else can I do?

To S: Go away already...I don't hate (even though I say that some times) you but...please just go away.

Challenge Day 7

Weight: 91lbs

Days B/P free: 2

Yesterday I walked 6.8 miles. I ate nothing and still have yet to eat and really don't want too. I've very upset with my scale, even though I lost a pound...I'm now considering that my scale is wrong. I tested out another scale I found and it was 7lbs off. That would make me 98lbs...

Ninety-Fucking-Eight Pounds

I nearly had a panic attack. I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel like I weight that much but now I'm starting to think other wise. I don't want to eat anything at all now. I just want to work out until I see the damn numbers change.

Challenge Day 7

<3I love to read<3

Case in point I love Manga, fiction, fantasy, SciFi and drama.

My favorite books are, Burned, Impulse, Tarzan of the apes, Speak, Harry potter, Willow, Cut, Winter girls, and Kindred.

As for manga it would have to be Mars, Red river, Naruto, Girlfriends, Vitamin, LIFE and 

Deep love.

I need to read more often though, and be more well read.

Challenge day 6

Weight: 92lbs

Days B/P free: ...1...

(I messed up last night. I feel like shit right now. I nearly passed out.)

Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend, her sister and mom and was having fun, I walked about 5.6 miles in total. We went to the nail salon, but I opted out because all I have are purple-ish bedded stubs for nails right now.

We hung out at her house for a while. They had breakfast but I passed on that too, saying I ate already. 

My bestie's mom, who is practically like my mom invited me to go to the dinner with them. I was honored because it was really just supposed to be a night for her and her girls.

I was also very nervous. We went ot this lasauna place on 8th ave that they had heard about on the travel channel. 

It was a long wait and the place was very tiny but everything smelled heavenly. 

Her mom and sister wanted me to eat more, but thankfully my bestie stood up fr me saying what Z had told me before I went out.

"Eat what you want, don't let these people pressure you to eat." 

We were all joking about it, but I was nervous as hell, cheesey sausy calories taste so good.

But I got a salad, had to peices of garlic bread and a small bite of eggplant parm.

When I finally got home, I tried to exercise but for some reason I was so hungry. I could stop myself, so  grabbed a fiber plus bar. Then I went at the cereal. By my second bowl I stopped but I was freaking out. 

I wasn't sure what to do, there was no one to call at 12am, I really didn't want to gain more, or stay the same, but it had been so long since I purged. I caved though. I over did it, because I purged until parts of my dinner came up.

I somehow managed to get down to 92lbs this morning but I feel ill and I know Z will be mad at me. I feel like a failure.
Also I posted a picture up on FB (IDGAF bout hiding my face atm)

and my aunt (who knows about my ED now) wrote,
"U can ur bones , not a good look"
I got really pissed iff at that, because I don't know its like advertising my ED. Why don't they all start posting shit on FB about it already...

I'm just gonna move onto my challenge. It keeps my mind preoccupied.

Challenge day 6

I'd have to say that music in general is important to me, but I'm not much for idolizing musicians or bands. I'll just go by what I listen to the most and for the longest...

That would have to be Linken Park.

Even though they're style has changed, I still love their music.

Challenge Day 5

Weight: 93lbs

...holy crap...

Days B/P Free: 5 

Although last night I was eating disgusting amounts of food...to remain uncounted for my own sanity.

...I kept it all down at least...

@ Ariana - Thank you very much, I like my name too<3 Your blog name is really pretty as well. I love Ari names. As for my blog, its being all wonky, cause I privatized it, so if you were following already it is being glitchy, I'll see if I can find a way to fix it. I'd also love to see you do the challenge, it is a great way to get to know people and yourself, cause some of this stuff, I never even think about.

Challenge Day 5

5 places I want to visit

-Egypt

 (Specifically Aswan where there is a temple of Isis on Philae island.

I'm a big ancient egyptian mythology buff, and Isis is my favorite goddess)

-Italy

 (I'm Italian and I g\have to visit, it's so beautiful. More mytholgy as well. The food is gonna kill me though)

-Puerto Rico

(I'm Puerto Rican and I've never been, I'll probably run into some family >.<)

-Ireland 

(I'm also Irish, and yet again with the mythology. Though I'm not well read on Celtic mythology I'm making it a point to learn more about it.)

-Japan

(No I'm not Japanese although my list of heritage is long. Closest thing that I am is Philipina. Anyways I want to go because I've read way to much manga and everything always looks so beautiful there. 

I pray for the people who were affected by the Earthquake/tsunami.)

Challenge day 4

Weight: Unknown (gahhh)

Days B/P free: 4

Z is feeling much better. Yesterday was harsh and I was really worried. I'm feeling a little under the weather myself now, but I should be OK. Just been relaxing mostly...and eating and not working out. I have to get back to that.

Challenge Day 4

My "Blogspot" Username meaning...

Well I changed it because of the whole incident with my family to Kirarri sings.

It used to be Dancing Sparks.

Kirarri Sings was spur of the moment and its a mix of my random ness, the name Kari and Kirara from Inuyasha. 

(I'm not even a big fan of Inuyasha...it was just the first thing that came to mind.)

>.<

I have no idea why I added sings???

Dancing sparks was also random

That's me I guess very random.

Challenge Day 3

Weight: unkown...(driving me crazy)

Days B/P free : 2

Challenge Day 3

Had very broken sleep in the night. I'm at Z's house taking care of him. He's so sick; kept waking up at night from his fever. I destroyed a 5 count box of fiber plus bars (dark chocolate almond) in 12 hours. 3 were eaten yesterday, two this morning.

(tmi)

Still no potty time for like 2-3 days...

Yesterday I had mozerella sticks (??calories?? a million??)

and steamed mixed veggies with shrimp and scallops plus some white rice (???calories hopefully not that much)

Z is asleep now and I've been basically getting him food and medcine, he's really weak, sweating like crazy and his fever is ridiculous.

He also keeps getting chills and normally Z is always hot. He's also not able to eat much, (another strange thing because I've seen him ravage a buffet) 

I plan to do some crunches even though my abs are still sore. As for food...

I might just go with little ceasrs and a mini cake.

Calories aside its cheap to feed the two of us, I know I'm gonna beast out and then want sweets, but at least here I can't purge. Going to have to fast when I go home tomorrow and get back to a low cal diet, about 200 a day or less, when I start seeing better results I'll get back to 500 a day.

Overall I've just been tired and groggy, and stressed worrying about Z. He's gotten sick so many times in the last few months. More than me and that's saying a lot.

Hoping to get work still from stop and shop. I'll try calling today, even though I don't feel like doing much of anything.

Scared to face my scale.

I always get fat when I stay over here. Z wants me to gain more weight.

I just want to stay in the 80's.

Want to see Welcome to the rileys now.

Kristen looks freaking amazing (love her legs) and I'd do her. 

Period.

-later-
I saw the movie, and loved it. I also ate half a pizza, twix, and 3 muffins. Bringing my grand total for the day to about 2000 calories.
Fuck. Me.

Challenge day 2

Still 89lbs yay.

 Heading out for the day.

Hopefully it will be a good day.

I have no idea if and what or when I will eat.

 B/p free days : 1

Day 2 of the challenge

10 Likes

-Books

-Chocolate

-Nature

-Cats

-Chivalry

-Themeparks /roller coasters

-Summer

-Long hair

-Light colored eyes

-Mustangs

10 Dislikes

-Winter

-Beans

-Spitting

-Being Broke

-Gaining Weight

-Getting Sick

-Being late

-Being rushed

-Rude People

Back to the 80's

Yesterday was a lazy day, didn't do much of anything. I did my food shopping. Calculated all the calories of it and it same out to about 5000 calories worth of food.

That will last me for the next 2-4 weeks.

I haven't even eaten anything since my binge except for 3 mini rice cakes.

(Its 110 calories for 13 cakes, so all I had was about 26 calories.)

The rest of my groceries included vita tops, lean pockets, rite bites, popcorn, a ton of veggies; a good amount frozen, pickles and fresh strawberries. Spent only 39 dollars on it.

I can't seem to bring myself to eat.

I'm down to 89lbs again for it. 

Sometimes I think I should eat and other times I'm glad that I'm not. It has me so lethargic though.

I'm not sure what to do. I guess the only thing I really want is a vita top and strawberries. But I can't bring myself to eat it. I'm really scared that I will go crazy on food.

I have to work out today too, because I only did a little yesterday. My abs had been sore for a while, bu I can push some more ab work outs now.

Other than that I'm just bored. Also why I don't want to eat, because I'm bored.

-later-
Well I ate and binged...and then purged...
that was this afternoon, so I hope to still be 89lbs or lower in the morning.
I'm bored so I will start this, I nabbed it off of  Sarah's blog

- My name is Alicia
-I'm 21 years old
-I want to be a novelist
-I'm a chocoholic
-I restrict, starve, and I'm trying to stop Binging and purging
-I've lived in Queens, New york damn near my whole life
-I'm a thrill seeker
-I'm easily entertained
-I'm a hopeless romantic

We all brake easily

It had almost been two weeks for me of being B/P free. It wasn't a huge binge nor a horrible purge but it was not something  I felt would become a habit again.

I don't feel horridly guilty, nor extremely ill. I don't have the urge to get back into doing this. I'll have to try again.

Before Binge 90lbs

After Binge 93lbs

After purge 91lbs...

Only the morming will be able to tell real results.

I miss Z already even after staying over his house and spending the day with him...even after arguing about food.

S is being a jelus lying slut (jelous ha, its funny I can say that about her when I shouldn't be talking much.)

She got mad at Z and said oh I'm not gonna come chill I bet *my name* is there anyways.

Yet apperently she never gets jelous...ok.

The guy you like hangs out with and regualry has his ex stay over.

And you wouldn't be jelous?

BS

What ever, tommorrow I'm hoping to get in some food shopping and a lot of walking.

We walked about 6 miles today and for the past few days at the gym I was burning caloires like crazy.

Though Z was getting mad at me for doing too much cardio. He's like you just come to do this to loose weight.

This is true but I enjoy how it feels to work out and I want a flat stomach.

But he doesn't want me to loose more...and I feel like a house at the low 90's.

Oh job where art thou??

Last few days ahve been up and down, weight and happiness wise.

90-92-90-92...

92lbs damn...

I keep screwing up but I haven't binged or purged. My record being now 10 days.

Why does it feel like more. How sad.

Went to china town yesterday with Z (my ex) and two other friends. Tried bubble tea and ate Vietnamese food. I had mixed veggies and rice, some soup, and fried shrimp...not to happy about the fried part.

I had 3 freaking fiber one bars and was in the bathroom most of the night and this morning.

??Some how still 92lbs before and after??

While we were in china town S (ex's ex) was also around (cause she wanted to come to china town with her friends as it just so happens also for bubble tea...but whatever) we didn't run into them, besides they all had a curfew of 5pm and it was way to late for the little children to be outside.

Overall it was fun.

I applied to Holister but I'm if-y with that. I mean they are apparently always hiring people their( meaning they are firing a lot of people too) but when I looked at all the girls I was intimidated as hell. 

First of all you have to wear the brand as a uniform (what ever style is in fashion) and damn near every girl was tall, tanned, and toned. They looked like models, and so thin. I don't fit in their, I felt like a pale chubby midget. It was warm in there though because the store is set up to be like summer time. With video screen windows looping people swimming at the beach, most of the girls working were in flip flops, tank tops and shorts, and the heat was blasting.

Don't really think I want to work there but a jobs a job in the end. Sadly I'd prefer stop and shop >.<

(crazy navigating that place)

Going to the gym today hoping to blast at least 600 cals, with 1hr and a half of straight up cardio and ab and inner thigh exercise.

I love the treadmill and the elliptical (I burn 100 cals in 15 mins on those!) but I was really pround when I did the leg lift. At the time I was 90lbs and Z was telling me to have strong legs you have to be able to lift your own weight or more. I asked them to put 100 (thats been my cover weight for everyone not to say crap, might bump it up to but its hard when my friend wears size 3 pants and she's 104... her but is huge in a good way, im flat as a board. oh but anyways) they put the weights on and I did 3 reps of 10. When I got off I was like oh that's good right. Z said "yes very cause you did 115lbs."

I felt great and I love working out at the gym. Hopefully I can join planet fitness its 20 a month but me and Z were gonna split it cause you can bring a partner for free so that would be 10 each.

Cliff notes of my sad life

A lot has happened and I haven't had the will to write or do much of anything. I have been getting to the gym a lot though, and I'm going again tomorrow.

The cliff notes reason as to why I privatized my blog is because my mom yet again found it.

I was really upset.

She goes and calls my ex up and is arguing with him for hours. She's gonna kill her self, she won't stop, she's lying to you. 

I tell him everything, as for stopping and suicide I was damn near close to it with all the crap that keeps piling up.

I'm so sensitively lately I get down over every little thing.

But my mother has had me depressed the most (in close competition with my ex's ex girl who still wants to get back with him)

She called me up asking If I knew she read my blog again. I told her I knew and that I knew about the convo she had with my ex. She told me I should be more stright forward with people. So I told her ok, I really don't want to talk to you right now. She then contuned to tell me off, saying she was done with my  "drama" that I'm doindg this all to get back with my ex and if I'm that desperate I'm better off getting pregnant. Then she told me not to talk to her anymore and hung up on me.

A minute later she texts me...

"good luck with all your drama don't bother with any of us till you seek some professional help thank you"

...that was about a week ago, and I haven't talked to her since.

So apparently I'm drama-ful because I so asked for everyone to get into my business. I'm using my ED to get back with my ex...because that's working out so well. He always says how if I didn't have this damn thing it would be better.

I'm a horrible daugter / dating material. 

What ever.
My sister turns 12 tomorrow so calling there should be a great fun time...

I'm down to 90lbs as I last checked but I'll see what my scale says in the morning, since I haven't eaten since 1pm today.I won't be eating till...I don't know when, I'm not really hungry.

Tomorrow is the work out again...not to thrill because this bitc-girl (ex's ex) is tagging along again, like she did Monday, and will tomorrow and Thursday as well as friday.

I really can't stand her, she gets to hug my ex in public, but I can't.

(god lets just call him Z for now and she's S)

People are all on her side for being with him, and Z and me aren't supposed to be intimate. I should be fine since I know that's not the truth and that I go home with him at the end of the day (sleeping over again tomorrow) But I want to be able to hug him and kiss him, scream it to the world that we are together...if we were together.

I wish she'd just go away...

Theme song of my sad heart "the boy is mine "

lol

>.<