The good, the fat and the hungry

This weekend has been so much at once. Good, bad somewhere in between. I don't know where to really place it. I spent most of friday with my ex through Saturday and into Sunday. We...well we got very close Saturday. I'm not one to really kiss and tell, but it was a lot more than kisses.Even more so than that we talked so much, enjoyed each others company so much. It was so nice, like the old times, like good times.

It's still complicated, and I would still get upset because of his girlfriend. It comes down to her. We've been talking a lot and he feels closer to me, wanting and fearing getting back together. We talked about things like how he compares her to me, how he expects her to live up to certain standards. She's much younger and childish and that bothers him. He said he's used to me, I'm very calm and mature, but I can be childish too. He says he cares for her, but he's been missing me and that being with me feels so right and scary. That's exactly how I feel.

All of this has really overwhelmed me. I want him to be happy, I've been trying very hard. This whole weekend has been and unbearably tasty, and painful binge. Calories upon calories. I let him feed me what ever and then stuffed myself extra on top with these cravings. I'm suffering now from it.  A swollen belly and unhappy digestion. I don't want to look at the scale. I'm not going to have much tomorrow if anything at all I don't know. A lot of the binging was from being emotional, scared bored. It was just for everything. I was eating not normally, I was just stuffing myself sick. It's horrible. I've finally stopped and I need to clean out my system.

We're keeping this development a secret for now. From friends from his girlfriend of course. There have been so many issues with that alone. People were saying how the two of us acted was bad. I'd make lunch and some girl was like to his girlfriend isn't he  "your" boyfriend, and isn't that "your" friend. I bearly know the girl. I owe her nothing, if anything I was betrayed. How can you want to be my friend but then readily go out with my recent ex of a 5 year long relationship?

She was all mad about this Saturday too. Apparently they hang out a lot on Sunday but it was changed to Saturday this week. Saturday was supposed to be the thanksgiving dinner that we had been planning for months with our friends. That got canceled and we decided to go out to eat. So later on she was invited for a lunch, not dinner cause she has a 5pm curfew or something. Me and my ex were late from his house, for many reasons, like not wanting to really go early, he wasn't all for facing her after what we had done, plus we were "busy" with that...again (so embarrassing  >.<)

She was all pissy we were late though, saying how I was invited later and caused us to be late. Bitch I was a part of this a long time a go. She was the 5th wheel. She was annoying the hell out of me. Trying to get time alone with him. She wanted him to walk her home alone and was saying to my other friends to go, especially since I'm cold (we were outside.) She was like your cold, your cold right you guys should go on a head to the car. I was mad, she was telling me to go away using that as an excuse. Don't tell me I'm cold.

On top of that, my friends found out about the fact that I "used" to cut. I mean I haven't in a while, but I could at any moment. That was extra stress. They tried to drop hints about a possible ED, but the way I ate in front of them all week may lead them to believe otherwise. My french onion soup sins recorded.

No purging at all though. I'm happy for that.

Sweet kisses and comfort from my ex. I'm happy for that.

Dealing with the scale not so much. Tom morrow is dooms day when I step on it before my shower. 

For now I'll hold onto the little bliss I have and hopefully seeing my ex again will help with any pain the numbers bring. 

As for the stomach cramps from stuffing myself to much, I supposes that's what I get.

Also...
One thing I've decided and it was due too lots of begging and convincing. I want to change my goal weight. I want to stick with my older UGW of 85lbs. It's hard to at least not want the lower 80, but a 15 BMI is good enough. I think there will be times when I get upset and will try to go lower again, but at this point I'll be ok trying to maintain 85. If it can make my ex happy. He wanted 95 at least  but I'd be a horrible mess if I went up that high again. I am or was close to 85, if I can stay there I hope I can be fine.