Well no pics...perhaps when I'm in the 80's again and get some alone time, I'll dress up and take some on my own. It was super cold yesterday. I got in 100 crunches this morn, but passed out last night at 2 am after my B/P. I'm gonna have 50 cals now and 80 cals later for a total of 130 today...depending on what my scale says. I report back with numbers and the verdict on eating toady later on at the college. At least my sides hurt from my crunches...or maybe that's a mix of pain from the B/P too?
92lbs...and um no passing of...er...waste yet lol. So I'm probably fatter due to food and water weight, I'm having 40 cals of pretzels and 10 cals of mustard. Later an 80 cal salad, and maybe a fiber one bar, to help things along? but that's like 140 cals, they don't sell the 90 cal ones at my school or near it. That would bring me too 270 toady... maybe I'll pass on the fiber one. We'll see.
-2:30 pm-
I have a new UGW
75lbs
That sounds fucking perfect. Completely fucking perfect. Maybe I'll go for 70 or 60 or 50
better yet 0.
0LBS
0lbs sound the best right now.
I'm really up set as you can see, so please excuse my crazyness.
It's just that everyone is pissing me off. There are these two guys that are creppy at my school that won't take a hint. I don't want anyone else other than my stupid Ex.
I'm more of an idiot for wanting him. How stupid can you be to ask me if I have an ED and then say "Oh you need to work out more." Even jokingly, maybe I'm taking it out of context, because he was joking around. Either that or I'm skinny fat!
Like my body image isn't fucked up enough as it is. I ate today the salad and a bite of the fiber one bar so that's 105 cals. I wish I hadn't eaten anything. I was cutting again so upset. All these girls are on top of him. I am a horrible greedy person. I want the idiot to myself. The stupid, sweet, cute love of my life, my love of 5 years.
Hearing his new girl call him her boyfriend set me off over time. I was chugging water. Another friend was offering me cake too, I turned that down fast, and I'm chewing gum. then one of the creepy guys was trying to see what I was writing here on this blog. I want to curse everyone out. I'm gonna fast till I don't know when. I'm so weak I'll probably fail again. I'm always failing. I'll update again later, I'm not feeling well now either, indigestion, having to go to the bathroom or what ever, the binge is taking its revenge on my tummy. Maybe it will all burst inside, I'll bleed out and save everyone the trouble of putting up with me.
Ugh again I'm sorry, I always get angry/sad. I'll cry before I scream. This little vent actually helped but I still feel sick.
-4:30 pm-
Today is turning out worse than I thought. I had a bite of a red velvet cupcake from crumbs, it was like 65 cals extra, so I'm totaling at 335 and I'm probably gonna have another bite from another one. I'm still staying under 500 cals, the other bite will bring me up to 400 actually, its all spread out atleast not binging. I may try to get my safety food when I get home, its something I can have without feeling really guilty. I want to do I guess a 4 day fast maybe 3 depending on weight loss and gain. I fast so often trying for long periods and its really kicked up my binging, so I'm gonna start small again. 3 days sounds good I guess. I really want to stuff myself today, just because of the situation with my ex. It also makes me never want to eat again. I'm so scared of the scale and I still feel bloated.
FML.
-1:13 am-
I jsut finished purging yet another binge. I had 760 at the college, but its hard to purge there. When I came home I just ate and ate about 1200-1300 binge. My total intake with purging is some where around 1400. I'm the size of a suckling pig, and I am sick from the day before still. I'm weak and tired, I'm done with eating, I'm done with bingeing. I just want to be thin, I can't rely on myself for anything. I have to work harder. Fasting starts again tomorrow. I'm still 92, well lets see what tomorrow's weigh in brings.
92lbs...and um no passing of...er...waste yet lol. So I'm probably fatter due to food and water weight, I'm having 40 cals of pretzels and 10 cals of mustard. Later an 80 cal salad, and maybe a fiber one bar, to help things along? but that's like 140 cals, they don't sell the 90 cal ones at my school or near it. That would bring me too 270 toady... maybe I'll pass on the fiber one. We'll see.
-2:30 pm-
I have a new UGW
75lbs
That sounds fucking perfect. Completely fucking perfect. Maybe I'll go for 70 or 60 or 50
better yet 0.
0LBS
0lbs sound the best right now.
I'm really up set as you can see, so please excuse my crazyness.
It's just that everyone is pissing me off. There are these two guys that are creppy at my school that won't take a hint. I don't want anyone else other than my stupid Ex.
I'm more of an idiot for wanting him. How stupid can you be to ask me if I have an ED and then say "Oh you need to work out more." Even jokingly, maybe I'm taking it out of context, because he was joking around. Either that or I'm skinny fat!
Like my body image isn't fucked up enough as it is. I ate today the salad and a bite of the fiber one bar so that's 105 cals. I wish I hadn't eaten anything. I was cutting again so upset. All these girls are on top of him. I am a horrible greedy person. I want the idiot to myself. The stupid, sweet, cute love of my life, my love of 5 years.
Hearing his new girl call him her boyfriend set me off over time. I was chugging water. Another friend was offering me cake too, I turned that down fast, and I'm chewing gum. then one of the creepy guys was trying to see what I was writing here on this blog. I want to curse everyone out. I'm gonna fast till I don't know when. I'm so weak I'll probably fail again. I'm always failing. I'll update again later, I'm not feeling well now either, indigestion, having to go to the bathroom or what ever, the binge is taking its revenge on my tummy. Maybe it will all burst inside, I'll bleed out and save everyone the trouble of putting up with me.
Ugh again I'm sorry, I always get angry/sad. I'll cry before I scream. This little vent actually helped but I still feel sick.
-4:30 pm-
Today is turning out worse than I thought. I had a bite of a red velvet cupcake from crumbs, it was like 65 cals extra, so I'm totaling at 335 and I'm probably gonna have another bite from another one. I'm still staying under 500 cals, the other bite will bring me up to 400 actually, its all spread out atleast not binging. I may try to get my safety food when I get home, its something I can have without feeling really guilty. I want to do I guess a 4 day fast maybe 3 depending on weight loss and gain. I fast so often trying for long periods and its really kicked up my binging, so I'm gonna start small again. 3 days sounds good I guess. I really want to stuff myself today, just because of the situation with my ex. It also makes me never want to eat again. I'm so scared of the scale and I still feel bloated.
FML.
-1:13 am-
I jsut finished purging yet another binge. I had 760 at the college, but its hard to purge there. When I came home I just ate and ate about 1200-1300 binge. My total intake with purging is some where around 1400. I'm the size of a suckling pig, and I am sick from the day before still. I'm weak and tired, I'm done with eating, I'm done with bingeing. I just want to be thin, I can't rely on myself for anything. I have to work harder. Fasting starts again tomorrow. I'm still 92, well lets see what tomorrow's weigh in brings.
Aww hun :( Hope you feel better. I'm fasting today through Wednesday. I hope your fast goes well. *hugs* <3 Clem :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Clem<3 I don't know how long I'm gonna fast but my cal count is going up today...stupid cupcakes, I've been craving cake since yesterday.
ReplyDelete