better be better tomorrow

The tree lighting was a bust, we couldn't get a spot, so We ended up seeing it after it was lit. I didn't mind it was still beautiful. I got to stay over my ex's house yet again  (with no one's knowledge)and hung out with him today too. He seemed a bit annoyed today by a lot of things, not me, but I enjoyed our time non the less.

 Also I finally sat down with my friend who found out that I (used to?) cut. I'm actually the one who brought it up again, because I didn't feel like getting cornered or put on the spot again. It's easier to talk about it one on one also. I know he used to to do it as well. He's writing a paper about it and wants more insight on why people do self injure. It was strange for me. He asked if I still do and at the moment, I haven't for a month or two. It used to be an everyday thing for me. I stopped relying on it because it was so noticeable, even covering it up.

With my ED that I ended relying on just to cope, just to have some sort of control, it became and overwhelming obsession and now I feel like I don't have control. Ana has total control over me. I feel locked in fear and guilt. I'm not cutting now, but this can't be better. My ex thinks so badly of my ED he's says he'd rather me cut. I'm self destructive, as it can easily be seen. There are days I wish I just fade out, too tired to deal with pain and sadness and being overwhelmingly empty.

 

So I will admit it, that I'm depressed. Not I gained weight depressed.

Clinically depressed.

As much as I hate that. I know there are a lot of things wrong with me, but the way I feel can't be explained other wise. It's my Ex who says that I'm depressed and I keep denying it to him. He keeps saying, 

"You're depressed. I'm the reason your depressed."

Like I wasn't fucked up before we broke up. My ED was triggered again even before we broke up.

Given that it may have been due to our relationship...ok it had a lot to do with our relationship, but we were both a huge mess. He was just as depressed as I was, we were both stressed, taking our frustration out on each other.It kept getting worse until we exploded and the relationship was ended by me.How I wish I had not been so angry.

There isn't much I can say. I'm stressed out by everything, I don't want to go to school anymore, I don't want to deal with people anymore. I'd rather have a job and money and be able to use it to enjoy myself.

 

 

I'm in love with my ex, yet he's with another girl and it kills me to see them together.

I failing or doing really bad in most of my classes.

I'm not sleeping right.

I cry more over food now then ever.

Sometimes I can't cry at all.

I don't know what I want to do anymore.

I'm broke.

The list goes on and on.Bad stuff a side, I can think of a few thing that I'm happy about. Like staying over my ex's house again, getting down to 91lbs. Actually that's it...A good start for tomorrow would to be 90 in the morning at least.

@ Broken and Depressed Skinny Mess.-  Thank you for the support <3 I really have been enjoying the time I have with my ex. It feels so short though, that I always end up worrying about everything else sooner or later. I want to stay positive.

@ onebrokendoll - That is exactly how it is with me and my ex. He thinks I can just switch it off with will power. He thinks it's a choice. It's frustrating, but I can only imagine that its hard for people who don't have an ED to understand, that fear.

@ Erin Rose- It's sort of getting to that point with us. He won't force me to eat but he knows how to get me, he just doesn't understand the whole binge issue still. Just because I'm eating doesn't mean it's a good thing. It can avalanche into a very bad thing. He's joked about force feeding me a burger or two. He feels like my weight is way too low and I'm beginning to wonder if he's joking anymore. As for the letter, I really like that. We've written letters before, I know he understands how I feel, I'd actually want to know about how he feels.