Not knowing a begining

Let's get right down to business, with the almighty numbers. They never lie and will bend as far as you can, or at least as far as your stomach can.

My Stats

Height: 5'3"

Weight: 93lbs

Bust: 32"

Waist: 24"

Hips: 32"

Neck:11.3"

Wrist: 5.5"

Upper arms: 8.5"

Thighs: 17"

Calves: 11"

Ankles: 7.5"

BMI: 16.6

I've always been relatively...thin. "Healthy" was the word most would use, when I was at the higher end of my weight of years pasted. My highest weight ever; which was from a two week escapade and wedding extravaganza to Florida; 118lbs. I can't believe not less than a year ago I was carrying around 24 extra pounds. All we seemed to do there was drive and eat.

For a long time I was living without the option of food.There was little to none that I could get. I appreciate and love the damn thing all at once. I don't like to waste food, so I'm not much for purging. Regardless of that, my weight dropped all on it's own. Stress, lack of food and the like 115, 113, 110, 108, 105... there is where my life span on it's head. I'd been in a five year relationship and it ended horribly, blood and tears. I was living with my ex and now, I keep a friends only relationship with him. (If you can even call it that) I moved out to live with my father, and here food isn't a problem, healthy, low cal is another issue.

Now today is a different day, with different plans. I've always had an "eating disorder" that I kept at the edges of my life. I used it feel the stinging pain of hunger when I couldn't cut. Now it has become more of an obsession, more of a lover than even my blades. I used to rely on the sharp sting all the time. I can actually make it through a day without now.

My new and improved constant companion is the scale, hidden in the back of my closet. I weigh every morning, every night as well as before and after I eat. (If I eat). Fasting is my norm now. When I was young it would be for a few days at a time. Fasting is the hardest thing to do. Not because of hunger. If it was just that I could handle it. It's the parentals, the friends.

There is always food in my face. Every corner, every room in my school, there it is. The sound of plastic bags, tin foil and chewing get so loud I want to scream. Every weekend my close friends love to go out, and in the end eat. I have to fast the week before just to recuperate. I broke today, (I was half way through day 4) with 1200 calories. First it was just a little to eat then more and more. The only good that came of it was that people saw me eat. I don't remember the last time my family has seen that.

I'm very careful about my relationship with Ana and my relationship with my family and friends. Never shall the two meet. If I eat I make damn well sure its out in front of everyone. If I must binge, so be it, then someone should see that too. It cannot seem like I'm not eating, though that's the truth.

As for goals, at first once my life kind of dipped to it's lowest, I had aimed for 99lbs, then 95 and now 90. But I'm not sure. For some reason I keep coming back to 85. That would a total of 20 intentional lost pounds. On top of the 13 I lost without doing anything.85 is a feat. 85 is a BMI 15 flat. 15 is such an important number. Perhaps that's all the weight the last five years I've gained, in stress, in tears, in dreams and hopes. If I could shed them all off I could move forward and live my life again.

85lbs. BMI 15. The Ana in me will set me free.