Must Burn

I didn't feel very up to writing last night. I tried to get as much sleep as I could. I was trying to fight super cravings. I had like 900 cals overall. We went to this sushi place, and I realized just how many cals are in those dishes. Its not a safe place to go to since there is no cal count on the menu. I didn't even weigh in last night either.

I'm quite up set since I checked this morning and I am barely 89lbs. I had half a pop tart this morn (100 cals) and thats all I want to have for today. I have a paper due Monday so I need the energy to write it. I took a vitamin too. After I write this 2 page paper, I want to walk like 3 miles to my aunts, if I have the time, and pick up something. Then I want to see if my friend wants to hang out today. She just got just dance 2 for the wii and I want to burn major cals. 

I've also started to collect wrappers more often to pull off that I've eaten something. I also found a new trick to curb my hunger too. There is this extra hot salsa in my frig, I take a chip and take a glob of that, my mouth is a flame and my hunger kinda dies off, plus I have to drink a cup of water just to recover. I full of water at the moment too. It was hard to fight the craving for sweets I had after the pop tart, I was shaking for a half hour. I shake before every meal now. I try not to in front of people. Well at least I'm still in the 80's I really want to be 88 tonight so I'm trying to move around as much as possible. I have to burn more and more cals. 

89lbs is not enough. I most likely won't make it to 85 by tomorrow unless I cut off a piece of flesh myself (that thought has crossed my mind.) but I just need to be lower, maybe 87 would be nice to at least reach a new LW. Halloween is tomorrow. It was always my favorite holiday but ATM I want to run away from it or at least the food part.

-later-

I've  had about 1200 cals today and didn't do anything at all but stare at the screen futily trying to do homework. I've been eating for hours none stop totally depressed. I'm so fucked up right now. Again and as usual over my ex, over the fact that I'm failing my classes, that I just don't want to do anything. I gathered the strength and did 150 crunches plus the 125 this morning. I'm fasting until 7 :30 tomorrow. A one day fast would be nice. If my dad goes to bed soon I can work out for a few hours and maybe then I'll feel better. I want a stomach like this, I shall do 1000 crunches! or at least try to.