I was once asked if I ever think of Anorexia as a person. Like I treat the condition and myself as a relationship between people. I do happen to think of "Ana" as a person. She can be a right bitch sometimes. A cool voice in the back of my head, whispering don't do it and then tearing me up from the inside out when I do eat.
I find the same kind of voice, screaming though when I binge. Eat! Eat! Eat! Don't stop eating! Last night it was louder than I've ever heard. At first I allowed myself a spinach and iceberg lettuce salad. Then some pickles. Then came the crackers and strawberries. The string cheese, bread, I reached for a bag of popcorn hoping that it would stuff me. I threw in my chocolate ricecakes with it, shoveling popcor into my mouth desperately. I had butter all over my face, and my mouth was so cut up from the kernals. I was guzzlibg water in between, but nothing worked. I kept eating the rice cakes and then I pulled out the ice cream and teddy gram cookies. When I got a brain freeze it finally hit me. I was able to stop.
My cousin had just come home, but I needed to purge. I took a showed and purged until I saw the greens of my salad. I'm not to sure of all the damgae. In the morning I was 90, so It wasn't too bad.Today was an 80 cal breakfast (rice puffs and almond breeze). Just now I had shrimp, peppers, mushrooms, onions, garlic, snap peas, asparagus and a buiscut, for dinner. I felt strong cravings growing. I started to drink lots of water, then I had one slice of safe bread and 4 of my rice cakes. Over all the dinner and after snack was between 350-370. A 430-450 day. I refuse to eat anymore. But I'm craving like crazy.
Tomorrow is fiber flakes (120) and a healthy choice meal (210). I'm too lazy to count ingredient cal so I'm just going to eat the pre-made meal, its healthy and easy. I might allow myself a little extra fiber flakes to have an even 350 intake, and that's the last day of food for me. Its water green tea and gum from then on, until I see 80 or its Halloween. Its not a very long fast in that sense. Only 9 days, funny its a day longer than I've ever gone. I lost 6 pounds that time maybe now I'll lose 7. I'd hope to see 80 though before or at Halloween. My only problem has been my sweets cravings. I want chocolate and ice cream so bad. I plan on getting my skinny caw stuff and cookie dough weight watchers desserts when I end the fast, plus a hot pocket packet. Then I wanna try living on lean cuisine and healthy choice.
Ugh for now, I'm not to full but my throat has been sore since yesterday. I was working out until late last night, but I was so tired I don't feel like I got much done.
Later Edit
So yea...I binged and purged. This is two days in a row. I had 3 bowls of cookie crisp cereal, a pop tart and two cookies. I drank water till I felt sick and got more up than I thought. At one point it just didn't stop coming up. I was in a bit of pain and worried some what but, I'm relieved now. My tummy is a little swollen but nearly as bad yesterday. I want to work out. I got a little dancing on in the shower, but not enough. I'm gonna be up late tonight anyways. I still have slight cravings, but the intensity I felt is gone. I was shaking in the kitchen when I finally broke.
I felt so stupid. I felt crazy and out of control. What the hell is wrong with me, that I want to cry at the sight of mac and cheese. I was so tempted to eat it but 1/3 of that box is 400 cals, I could eat the whole thing. Thank god I chose cereal. It wasn't so bad cals wise, especially with my almond milk and it came up pretty easy since I drank a lot of water and even though I was scarfing the thing down I took care to thoroughly chew each piece. A few hard chunks choked me up a bit but it was still no where near as bad as the day before. I don't want to binge ever again.
I don't want to purge either. Tomorrow though I'm having the fiber flakes and the healthy choice, but I may spring for my broccoli chicken pizza. I'll hopefully be strong enough to take off the chicken. After that its fast time. Eating is so hard, since I always want more. Once I start fasting bingeing isn't so strong. Sometimes I wish I never had to eat again.
Later Edit
So yea...I binged and purged. This is two days in a row. I had 3 bowls of cookie crisp cereal, a pop tart and two cookies. I drank water till I felt sick and got more up than I thought. At one point it just didn't stop coming up. I was in a bit of pain and worried some what but, I'm relieved now. My tummy is a little swollen but nearly as bad yesterday. I want to work out. I got a little dancing on in the shower, but not enough. I'm gonna be up late tonight anyways. I still have slight cravings, but the intensity I felt is gone. I was shaking in the kitchen when I finally broke.
I felt so stupid. I felt crazy and out of control. What the hell is wrong with me, that I want to cry at the sight of mac and cheese. I was so tempted to eat it but 1/3 of that box is 400 cals, I could eat the whole thing. Thank god I chose cereal. It wasn't so bad cals wise, especially with my almond milk and it came up pretty easy since I drank a lot of water and even though I was scarfing the thing down I took care to thoroughly chew each piece. A few hard chunks choked me up a bit but it was still no where near as bad as the day before. I don't want to binge ever again.
I don't want to purge either. Tomorrow though I'm having the fiber flakes and the healthy choice, but I may spring for my broccoli chicken pizza. I'll hopefully be strong enough to take off the chicken. After that its fast time. Eating is so hard, since I always want more. Once I start fasting bingeing isn't so strong. Sometimes I wish I never had to eat again.
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