Smile and smile...damnit

I hope this works. Because I'm in a whole lot of :(

I'm just not doing well at all. I'm back up to 88lb. I just kept binging and purging last night. It was horrible.

This morning as well my cousin walks in the bathroom while I'm taking a shower, and my scale is sitting dead on the floor. 

Seriously, you can't knock? I forgot to lock it I'm an idiot. She didn't say anything, perhaps she didn't notice or care but I have to be more careful.I told her when she first found out that I bought it, that it was for my ex.

Today is gonna be some day. I'm going to cut class and spend time with my ex. Too bad his girl is coming too.

I don't care I want to go, I want to be close with him. I'm tired of being the nice girl, the convenient door mat for everyone to walk all over. Its going to be 4 of us me, him, her and his friend. 

To bad we are going to crumbs bake shop for a giant cupcake. That has about 500-800 cals....

5 to freaking 8 hundred

cals.

I'm not having breakfast, that's for sure and I'm splitting the thing with my ex, and I'm not eating tomorrow. I may not eat for the day after that either.

I just hope its not all lovey dovey between them. This really sucks.

I'm such an idiot.I must be a masochist.Chasing after him when he wants to be with her.Its confusing when he says I still have feelings for you, so my hopes fly.Then he's like but I don't know if I want to be back with you.I'm with her now, but I still want you around.

I know I was like that too, not knowing but still wanting him around, but I wasn't with someone else. I wasn't sitting on some dudes lap kissing him in front of you.He says he tells her not to do that and they both feel bad cause it upsets me. My hopes sore again. I'm gonna crash one day, and a water filled belly, and empty belly, not even my blades will save me.

I'm gonna hit the bottom and snap my neck.

At least it will be over then.

-later-

I'm back from today's outing with My ex his girlfriend plus a bunch of our friends. It was really hard again since she of course was all over him, but we still spent a lot of time together. She's like on lock down with her parents, and has to always be home early. I on the other hand have no curfew and went to hang at his house. We even planned another day to spend together at his house were I get to sleep over. I even got to cuddle up with him today. The part with his girlfriend sucked and was painful, but being with him was great. 

I'm looking at about 600-700 cals right now that I had. My biggest sin was the crumbs cupcake, cause I ate more of it then I wanted. But I bought soup that was good. I got home and started to binge a bit but I started purging before I let it get out of hand. Now I'm having tea and feeling better.

 

 The crumbs cupcakes were actually 500 cals and lower. The blackout I had was 450, and huge, but I ate a little over half. The soup I had was french onion (I skipped out on the bread and cheese.) It was good and only 50 cals a cup.

Now I just have to get back on track with food.

Like by not eating it.