Eat no Evil

My weight before my binge was 86lbs...but I'm guessing it's not so anymore. I'm a bit stressed but over a lot of things so, I had another slip up. I found a few things. This Saturday, my ex girlfriend may and most likely will be coming to lunch with us. Oh wonderful. I'll have to grin and bear it because I want him to be happy and I'm not giving up my time even if she is there.

It's usually just me, my ex and a specific two other friend we go out with almost every weekend, but now I get to play 5th wheel.

Yay!

Seriously, is it so wrong if I hope that chance she can't come becomes a reality? 

Well aside from that I overally just want to make sure my ex is happy, we are comunicating a lot more and getting along so well, I don't want this to mess it up.

Another thing I found out is that ther are people I know looking on sites for ED and SI for me.

I've been suspected for a while so I had to run around, pulling any pictures of my face, any mention of my name, any and everything I could. At first I wasn't sure if I should be touched or scared. I'm still not feeling eing open about this with everyone. I have friends who care a lot about me, but I hate to burden people with my issues. I also don't want to be asked questions or forced to eat. I'm not good at saying no, So I'll just end up feeling bad about it after. Now I had stuck to the 150 yesterday but then my ex brought me to panera bread, I wasn't feeling well at all. I had a headache and I was weak, so He wanted me to eat and he offered to eat half of what I got, which helped calories wise and made me fell better.

So (150 ) to start.

Then half of a half salad (35)

half a half of bread (90)

half a chocolate pastry (205)

I dipped a bit in his french onion soup so I'' just add 20 cals and say 500 total.

The binge is beyond me. I'd say about 1700 cal range for it. I don't feel so great about, it, I'll weigh in again later today. 

For the rest of the day I "plan" a soup (60), a special K pretzel bar (90) and a mini popcorn bag (100).

I won't eat Saturday morning, to save room for  the possible lunch and dinner.

-later- 
I wrote this really early in the morning at like 3 am and I woke up a little while ago weighed in and I some how lost a pound?
I'm 86lbs...I'm not complaining but how is that even possible. Maybe today will be a good day. I'm trying to leave soon to hang with my ex, but I have to wait for my dad cause he's gonna give me some money, plus today he's off to Florida so I won't see him for a really long time. He's spending thanksgiving with my uncle and aunt. I'll miss him :( but I'm going with my ex (for sure now)  to Pa to visit my mom, yay! He'll be so helpful from keeping me from binging on thanksgiving I hope. I asked if I should or could bring my scale today and he said yeah, partially cause he wants to weigh himself as well. (He works out a lot now) and I think it's also cause he wants to know my exact weight I kinda gave him only I've lost like 20 pounds since we broke up...its more like 25 now. Hope I don't worry him too much, else he's gonna want to feed me more. I tell him I like to stay under 500 cals a day so he tries to make sure I have 500 cals a day.
Its sweet but scary. At least he's not pushing me too eat a bunch more, which makes me very happy. I can't help to be scared non the less, I'm still not ready to take off my crutches, every pound gained sends me spiraling down depressed, feeling full get's me depressed sometimes. I'm just glad he's there for me. Damn him for making me love him more, while all this complicated stuff is going on. I just want him to be happy though, if it's not with me (as much as it freaking kills me) at least he's happy. Although that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like my heart is being ripped apart by wild rabid dogs.