Fuck My fucking Life

Things were going well today but I had a strong feeling it was going to go to hell in no time.

Was I right or what?

I mean before I left the house I got down to 87lbs..which was great.

Though not more than a few hours ago I b/p'd again. 

I went to the mall and met my mom, I walked around for hours. I was looking for a dress and shoes for tomorrow night (going to the club for dancing)

I actually picked up two pairs of shoes, it was buy one get the other half off and my mom bought the second pair for me.

(the one's I want to wear for tomorrow night.)

 (This is the pair my mom got for me, I was modeling them.)

That was all the happy happy joy joy part of the fucking day.

Most of it was make me want to slash slash my wrist wrists.

My mother was none stop about my ED.

She wanted to talk. 

We got  pretzels from pretzel time (370 fucking caloires), and I wanted to purge so bad.

When we got to my house, as I suspected there was a mini intervention, my dad and mom and then my cousin (the blog invader) joined in too.

"You can't keep this all bottled up"-mom

"You have to talk to people"- cousin

"You need to see a doctor"-mom

"You've been hiding this for 5 years!" -dad

"Do you think you developed this because I'm over weight?" -mom

"How did this happen? you were eating so much before?"- dad

"you're an adult now, you have to seek help."- cousin

"You can die from this you know!"-mom

I got so mad.

I was like if you guys keep pushing meI'm not going to be apart of you're lives. I want to do this my way on my own time. I don't want to go to the doctors, I don't want to talk about it. You lost the right to be involved when you envaded my privacy.

I'm grateful you care, but I don't want to talk about it. I'm done talking.

And then came my fucking favorite...

"I spoke with a woman on an eating disorder hot line. Even though you are an adult, we can get you put in recovery by force if need be. She said 21, or 41, if you are hurting your self, you can be made to go. That's not what I want to do, but just so you know." -mom

We'll fuck it all then. It was awkward for a while, I think my mom was crying at some point, we didn't really talk much after that. I'm a horrible fucking daughter. This is why I didn't want anyone to know.

I knew they wouldn't understand, it would stress and worry them and they'd just stick me somewhere against my will. 

I was ready to cut again because I had nothing else, but I held out till she left and B/P'd it only made me forget about it for a little while, then feel shitty after. I'm bloated as fuck and I have to go out tomorrow night. I hope the weight and bloating goes down in 24 hours time. I'm drinking tommorrow for sure, 

One good straight shot.

(wow I said Fuck so many times in one post. )