give all my secrets away

Today is my dad's birthday party. He's gonna be 50 on the 7th. The party is in a bar later on tonight. I'm going out with some friends in the afternoon to look for a gift for my ex.

I'm kind of tired of saying me "ex".

What the hell can I call him with out using his name? I guess I don't have much\h choice other than to call m\him my ex. He stood over my house last night and had to leave at like 5 am to meet his girl friend by her house. She apparently does laundry at like 9 am, but they chill together in the morning on Saturdays, since she has such an early curfew. I hope he'll be done fast so we can hang out longer, then I'm going to stay over his house again.

I was binging all morning though. I haven't purged or weighed in. I was binging all day. I don't know why. I was a bit upset with over his GF. I hate when they hang out, when shes lovey dovey with him, when she call, when they talk at all. I'm so overly jealous. 

On top of that he we were talking about what will be happening between us and I said I think he should break up with her, for the fact that he's cheating on her and that he doesn't know what he wants. That that didn't mean he had to get back with me.

Am I an Idiot?

I should totally be pushing for that. Ugh I must be stuck on stupid. I have to admit that I'm tired and weary of being in limbo, but I'm always worried about who he really is happy with. If he's happy with me then I really want to be together. If it's with her, what am I gonna do? It'll kill me but at keast he'll be happy.

I really don't want to think like that. I think I might purge today. I don't feel good, I feel huge as well, I'm scared of my scale. I just want to be with him. I was tempted to purge again this morn at his house, but as long as he is there I just can't do it anymore. 

Now that he's gone and I'm sad and depressed over all this, it's all I want to do. Maybe it's because I'm really tired.

Another thing is that I found out he found another blog I wrote on a different site. It took forever to get it out of him. He thought I was gonna be mad. I was a little disappointed since I asked him not to look for that stuff, but that was after the fact already. The was quite a lot of stuff there. I didn't really want anyone I knew in real life to see that stuff. But he said reading it made him concerned and he wanted to get more insight in how I feel. I offered up this blog. (I mean it doesn't really matter since he's very good with computers and might find it on his own like the other one) Perhaps if he's see's how it's been for me how I've been feeling it may make a difference. Rather then a letter, my online diray of sorts may make a difference. 

I fel kind of naked though.

I also need to stay distracted cause I can't eat anymore. I actually haven't conted a calorie today, I just kept shoveling food into my mouth. Here I come Yourtube.