I haven't wrote in a while, I haven't stepped on a scale in days, well 3 days but that's so long for me, which is depressingly sad. Especially when the numbers I do see freak me out. I weighed in at 92lbs. I hate it so much. But How in the hell am I still the same weight before and after my binge?
I hate the fact that I binged last night at all, I had a lot on my mind and I was so starved. I was like I'll have a little something, but there was cake and cookies in my house and well it wasn't pretty.
I hate the fact that I purged after and I feel like crap now. I going over to my ex's and as long as I am with him none of this shit happens, even if we aren't always getting along. My house has become a place that I associate with purging. Or perhaps I can't stand to do it while he is around. I don't know.
I haven't eaten yet just some tea, I still feel a little sick but at least my throat isn't raw. I finally got to see my best friend yesterday and we hung out for hours talking. We planned a sleep over / movie marathon for Saturday night. (Lol Twilight, Team bella...sorry to say but I would so do Kristen Stewart, she's freaking hot. Jocob/taylor is hot too. )
I still haven't told her about my ED and I don't know if I can. We are extremely close I've know her since I was 10 years old. I don't know what it is that makes me not want to tell her. My ex is my only other best friend, and he knows. We have that openness. It's confusing to me. I'll tell her one day, I just don't know when. Around the holidays isn't the best time.
I plan to eat today, how much I don't know, with my ex I can never plan when it comes too food. I did bring a healthy choice meal with me so that's good.
I really want to put up pictures, but since my ex found my blogs online, it means other people can too. Maybe just some headless shots.
I feel nervous and giddy and I got dressed up today. Like a school girl seeing her boyfriend. I wish it was like that, or if I could go back and relive that time when we were together in high school. At least I get to keep that feeling. Isn't that a good thing?
Yes it´s good, I don´t eant to be a bitch, I say this because I care, remember he has a girlfriend...I´m afraid you are gonna get hurt.
ReplyDeleteThe binge propably speed up your metabolism so that´s why you haven´t gained, I guess but yay =)
It´s hard to confess these kind of secrets to people we know for a long time, so I know what you mean.
Please don´t take what I said in a wrong way, I´m not a bitch xD
Have fun sweetie!
xx
congrats for not gaining for the binge. just take your time, and dont get too upset while waiting for some change!
ReplyDeleteglad to see that you are back, and be careful with the purging!!!
xxoo