A farewell to the open public

Alrighty I said I was going to privatize this blog.

This is my farewell ppost to the open public.

I haven't been able to get to a computer for a while and quite frankly I wasn't really up for blogging in the first place.

The only things of note that have happened or are happening is that.

I made it through my B/P free week and I'm struggling on to keep it going.

I'm going to work out in the gym tomorrow.

I'm up to 91lbs...

I'm thankful for the people who posted that they wanted to keep reading. If there are more people who want to join the listing just email me.

Ardentlyfae@yahoo.com

I will miss being out in the open but I guess this is better.

Trust no one... question everything

I'm privatizing my blog yet again for reason that should easy to understand.
Send me your email if you want to join my reader list at Ardentlyfae@yahoo.com
Pissed off doesn't cover it.

But what ever.

88lbs

yippidy freaking doo (sarcasm)

Not even that has really made me feel any better.

If you want to keep reading leave your email in a comment so I can add you to the readers list.

I'm going to privatize this site by the end of today or tomorrow. I'm so sorry guys.

 I feel so horrible but its not my fault.

Like I said I can't trust anyone.

No one deserves my trust and I can be a right spiteful bitch in the end.

I can't have any privacy.

This was the only thing that helped at all and it's gotten taken away again.

FML.

Ugly on the inside

Day 2 of being B/P free.

Of course I wanted too so badly today... because of the ugliest parts of me that crop up because I'm a painfully jelous girl now. I've never day dreamed on such horrible things before, no amount of fat, or physical flaws could make me as ugly as jealousy has.

But despite all my self loathing I made a little extra veggies for dinner.

Today's total comes in at  about 200 calories.

I've been eating a peach in the morning, a plain salad with red bell peppers, and then for dinner, some steamed/ sauteed veggies.All I've been having is pickles, peaches, asparagus, lettuce, broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms and bell peppers.I'm trying to keep it at a max of 200 per day. I'm drinking green tea like crazy too.

Tomorrow is my workout and a 4-5 mile walk. I'll be staying over my love's house the next few days, so tomorrow is my last weigh in till friday night-Saturday morning.I've been really on edge from not being able to weigh myself properly. 

Today I'm down to 90lbs again...BMI 15.9

I want to be 89 in the morning...this is so sad.

I've a bet going with my loe that I can make it through this week B/P free and if I lose he will be making my meals for me for a week.

Failure is not an option...no matter how upset I am.

I was going to be royally pissed this morning alone because I thought I got my period. 

(This is really TMI)

Last summer I had a kidney stone issues and I had some blood in my urine. I also had horrible pains in my side that they took me to the hospital. I had a small stone that they said would pass on it's own and a kidney infection.

I was unpleasant surprised when I flushed first thing this morning and I've been having pain in my right side all day. For now I'll be taking pain killers, but if I get a fever or sick, that means I have an infection again and will have to see a GP or the ER...

Not good, my numbers will all come back very bad, blood, my weight in general.

No infections please.

My jealousy and my health have made me really ugly on the inside...

Ugh I'm off for a work out tonight.

@ Nikki and Ariana - Thank you for all the support <3 I'm hoping to do well with this diet, I really want to end the cycle, you're blogs in spire me all the time. Stay strong<3

I read a lot of blogs, and try to comment often, all of you are really inspiring, even in you're lowest days I see you guys get back up and it makes me want to get up again too.

<3Lots O love<3 

breaking the habit

Quick up date...

Been eating like crazy.

Starting veggie only diet in hopes of ending the vicious B/P cycle.

Made a promise to my love not to B/P for at least a week.

Also in hopes of it sticking permently.

Had only 100 cals today.

Saddly I'm 92lbs since I last checked today, but it may be different in the morning. 

Hate my damn scale.

But I'm still feeling good, spending time with my love today and him helping me not B/P.

I'm gonna kick this before it gets me.

"I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright,

So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight"

~Linken Park~

Body movin, we be body movin

I'm not really sure what to think of yesterday. 

The workout was wonderful, bout 3 hours at the park, running, jogging, lunges, squats, stairs, swings, crunches, pull up/ push up bars. I was running around doing everything. I was having a blast, because I knew I was blasting calories. I had a half hour workout in the morning as well. and I'd only had 100 calories up too that point...

Then we went to the china buffet...all you can eat.

I agreeed to this, and I let myself go, with such a weak constitution I have. 

I was eating veggies and fish, then I let slip a little chicken, a little bread, then cookies upon cookies and ice cream.

When we got home and I looked in the mirror my stomach was huge, the most bloated I'd ever see it.

Then I ate more, and I just felt like throwing up. I was upset over eating too much, so I binged more, and I figured it would make anything I tried to purge easier to come up. But all I got up was the food I ate when I got home.

The damage was done.

Damage I chose and payed for so it serves me right and should be sitting at the bottom of my stomach.

My tummy has deflated a bit, I think it was just bloating because it didn't feel like I ate so much.

But I felt my ribs were expanded, hell I looked pregnant, with a food baby.

It was the worst binge I ever had, I seriously thought, shit I'm going to die in this bathroom purging, rupturing my stomach from all this food.

I'm still here but god does it still hurt. If I'm not careful anymore I'm gonna end up real dead real fast like this...

Today I'm going to be walking about 4 miles or so. 

I don't want to look at the scale and record the data, cause I know its a lot of food weight and water weight but I will anyways...because I'm an idiot masochist.

I wish that was me...
Why can't I just get here and stay here?

omg 91lbs...gtfo fml
(I sound like a pissed off 12 year old >.<)

er...shorts in the springtime

Well my skirt plan failed as do all my plans, but I put on some cute shorts so what ever.

I still like the way I look today.

These are my size 0 shorts !!!!!

As for my weight it's not what I wanted, but what I expected.

88lbs...

B/P does me no good ever, I always gain.

It should go down by tomorrow morning cause it's probably water weight but still, not very uplifting numbers for me.

It serves me right for caving in.

My cousin also went food shopping with out me and I didn't get much of anything I wanted.

She did pick up, more lettuce, assparagus, colliflower and brocolli, but thats about it, everything else was crap.

Cookies, pop tarts, cereal, brownies and chicken, so much chicken I believe we could but KFC to shame.

Today is the run and I might, possibly, maybe, able to get some walden farms product today. Pathmark had some last time at a different location, but I didn't want the marshmello one, I may cave just so I can review something.

Lets see how this flys.

I'm hoping they have what I want, if we go to pathmark at all.

I also want to thank everyone for all the motivating comments, love you guys <3

Skirts in the springtime

I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. Totally tired, wiped actually. We did that walk 12 miles or so, including the mile walk from the train to my loves house there. We got a bit lost on the way there but came stright back.

Walked for 8 hours or so yesterday.

Then we ate redlobster for dinner, which isn't so bad calorie wise. (shell fish is low cal)

But we also got ice cream and pastries so, I don't even want to know how many calories I had.

I came rushing home today because I thought my dad wanted to go food shopping, I'm thinking that we aren't or they did already...I'm not sure as of right now. If it's either of those two I will not be happy. I could have stayed over my love's house longer >.<

Tomorrow is weigh in time and I may go jogging, the weather has been so nice here. I'll wear a skirt to the school and then change into like sweats or shorts. I get to spend more time with my love there and perhaps I'll be staying over his house again this weekend. We might do that walk again.

Yay for exercise.

Yay for warm weather.

I'm terrified to look at that scale though.

I've eaten way too much, b/p'd way too much, I've been way too emotional and sensitive that it might just set me off in a bad way.

Hell right now I'm not exactly happy. I came home and my cousin has my scale out testing it against a new (omfg digital smexy but not mine..) scale. I apparently said my scale was accurate though so that makes me pleased, but I don't like people touching my scale. I'm too reliant on it. Anything happens to it I will be freaking out.

But anyways I'm so happy tomorrow will be my first skirt wearing day of the coming spring. My weather report says its going to be 59 degrees so I'll wear some thigh highs with it, and work my best to get some pictures.

Skirtspo <3

^I'll be wearing something similar to this one here ^